So, here I am again. I think this is home sickeness, or it might just be the fact that I don't have a journal to write, or a stupid problem to deal with, or a test to study for, and I might just have too much time to think. I love college, and it's been so great. But there are minor difficulties. I don't feel as if I work as hard, and I need to study more, or work harder. I feel like I burt myself out in high school trying to work so hard to get here, that now I feel like I don't need to work anymore. Which is so bad. I feel as though I am going to fail one class, and sure, I can withdrawl from it, but that still shows up on my transcript. I don't know, I just want to be in my profession and almost fast forward through all of this hard stuff, but don't we all? I have and always will struggle with the unknown future, and decision making. I wish there were a caution sign, and a check list. That I could just check off everything I need to do to ensure that I will get into my major, and that I will get into grad school. I just hate not knowing, and I also hate my lack of trust in a God that knows everything that will happen in the future. I HATE that I can't trust him, when in reality, I don't need these checklists and cautions but instead just need that trust in him.

I miss Dee. I miss Brooklyn. I miss Carrie. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I miss Jackie Luna, and Steph and Devin. I miss those three little Barnett munchins and their awesome parents. I miss all of those great people. This is why I think it is home sickness. I don't like my roommate, who was I thought at the time "a sign from God to come to UGA." She reminds me alot of a former friend of mine. I don't even know what to say. I do like my roommate Rachel. I don't think she knows exactly how much I enjoy spending time with her. She makes me feel at home, and she reminds me of traits from people from home.

HOME. home, home home. The meaning of this word has become so special to my heart. It reminds me of being home when my dad comes in the door and fixes himself a burrito with molded chicken, cheese and salsa. Or fixes himself a sandwich because my mom is sleeping in the bed already. It reminds of my brother's smelly feet and watching Wheel of Fortune every night, my mom telling us repeatedly Vana White is from North Murtle Beach, S.C. It reminds me of smelly Jasper jumping on my lap, wanting attention. I hate that in life, you don't learn to truly appreciate things until you are removed form them. My sister and I's relationship would not be nearly as great as it is now, if she had not gone to college. I remember when she left, I would cry every night. Missing her always. And now, crazy Emily has moved 2,218 miles further away from her. All of my roommates talk about going home, and I can't. I try not to bitter about it because it was my choice to come out here, and therefore I have no room to complain.     Speaking of home, there are 64 days, 4 hours, 47 minutes and 39 seconds until I go HOME to California, where I am from and where my heart is. So, I apologize if I talk about missing home alot. You try living 2,000 miles away from everyone you love, has seen you grow up and knows you so well, then talk to me about  my excessive complaining.

I had so many more emotions and thoughts running through my head, but as I got talking to my roommate, and realized I wasn't alone anymore, they went away. So on another day, where I have had free time to think, and be sad and depressive and home sick, I will blog about similar feelings. Thanks for semi-caring.

Love,
Em

I have no more tears left.

Today, I got kicked out of my University. Actually. I won't even call it my University. I will call it the university I no longer attend. I keep trying to tell myself that God will prevail, that through this he will come through. But it is so much more difficult to actually believe. About two seconds ago, my awesome RA walks into my room with paperwork in her hand and says "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "yes." I say. The paperwork states that I have 24 hours to vacate my Residence Hall. Awesome. Not only was I placed in supplemental housing because this university did not have enough housing to properly accommodate the some thousand odd students they over admitted but they also like to charge an out of state student triple times the amount of money to get the same exact education as an in state student that is paying three times less. Which is why I had to get student loans in the first place. Then, when my student loans did not get transferred to Student Accounts, who have the CRAPPIEST WEBSITE OF ALL TIME. You literally cannot understand how any of it works. How was I supposed to know that I still had a 14,000 $ balance on my account when whenever I logged in, it definitely said an account balance of 0. So, because I didn't pay my fall tuition (without my knowledge, might I add) I was dropped from all of my classes and am no longer a Student at this university. In order to re-become a student, I have to go to each office of my instructor, their departmental chair and the dean of the college I WAS enrolled under, then turn them all into the Registrar's office. Oh, and did i mention you have to pay a 150 dollar reinstatement fee?! Oh right, let me just pay you for all the inconvenience I have caused you. You poor souls haven't caused ME any inconvenience at ALL. Side note: I have (had) an art class on Thursdays from 3:30 to 4:45. I had to get the instructor's signature first, then the department chair, and then the dean. Well, of course each and everyone of them is in a different building all over the GINORMOUS campus of this university. So, of course, the office hours of everyone of my professors are from 2:00 to 3:30. Every office including the deans, the department chairs, registrar's and the student accounts closes at 5 o'clock. Just do the math. Yes, that's right. I had all of an hour and fifteen minutes before a class at 3:30 and all of 15 minutes to go around after that class to pick up forms I had left for department chairs that had been in meetings, or at lunch. So, I get the last signature of my art instructor, and she signs where the dean is supposed to sign instead of on the line that says "Instructor's Signature." So, when I go to get the dean's signature, she says "Oh, they might have you get this one re-signed because she didn't sign where she was supposed to." Speechless.

You know, I could sit here and say that this is ridiculous, and that they should not be feeing me, and penalized me, but I was the one who didn't sign the MPN, and that's that. I can get as mad, and cry as much as I want, but in reality, it's all me.

When I applied to this university I told myself if I got in, I would go here because it is not the end of the world, and I would just deal with the distance because I loved it so much. You can imagine my feelings have since then changed. I was set on coming here. The day that my acceptance letter came, reality set it. I was going to have to commit to this school. You want to know the truth? I came to this university to stick to my word when I told people that I was coming here. When people would ask me where I was going to school, and I told them this university, they ALL responded "really?! are you sure?! that's so far!" Yeah. Word of advice, listen to people's reactions, they are reacting that way for a reason. Now I am at this university, I've met some amazing people, especially my roommates. They're  just great. But at the same time I think about all of the amazing people back at home who I miss like crazy. I miss my dad, my sister, my mom and maybe even a little of my brother. I miss the Barnett's Noel, Brooke, Dee. Like I know if I went to a university in California, I would still be away, but like this weekend. They are all going home, and I would be too, but I'm not. I just don't know what to do. I really want to go home. But I feel as though that would just be a super bad reaction to all this, and that once all of this being dropped from this university crap is over and done with, I will want to stay here. But at this point in time, I don't see how God will prevail in this situation. I know that God has a plan in all of this, and that he is using this in SOME WAY to make his plan clear to me, but I just don't know what it is or when I will know. Like my wise sister said the other day, not having peace of mind is the worst thing about this situation. I hate being alone out here with people who don't know me. I miss talking to my dad everyday after work when he got home. He was the only one who I could look at in the morning and not want to punch if he said good morning to me. I miss his coffee and his grits and his making fun of large people on the Biggest Loser. When he lost his mom, he was so sad. I had peace of mind knowing that she was in a better place. She was so lonely and I couldn't imagine losing so many people in my life that I loved. But just to see my dad so sad, and so hurt. I think he feels guilty for not being able to be there for her, and being so far away. God has this way of showing up in our lives during the most difficult times. I think something that He is trying to teach me is to just trust in his plan, and not to overanalyze every little event in my life. He has put me where I am, with the people here for a reason, and I have to accept that. I don't know that reason, but He does. And that should be comforting enough. That my life is in the hands of the most powerful, loving, caring and forgiving God.

Many the Miles. Amen.