They come and Go.

So instead of doing my homework, or doing my extended essay, or wathcing my next episode of bones, or sleeping, or working out, I decided to blog. I have discovered that this is a magnificent little way of letting my thoughts go, and allowing me to think about all sorts of things. So be prepared for a all sorts of random, ambivalent, indifferent and great things in this post.

So, I must begin by saying that Ms. Sara Barellies is my all time favorite artist! Every song of hers always finds a way of relating to how I am feeling at that moment. It is indescribable. So thanks you miss, I WILL be going to see you live one day. I WILL.

Second, the greatest sister in the world that I can call all mine is turning 20 on thursday! 20!!!! She will always be a kid at heart, but her growing in age, means I will be growing in age as well. Which brings a lot of gross, adulty things to do, which I would rather take a bullet over than do. goodness. I love you my dear sister very very much. and I hope that you have THE greatest 20th birthday of all time! And I do not need to tell you to party it up, becasue I know for sure that the good ol' Barbs will take care of both of us AND the hunger of a third world country for us. ;)

I realize quite a lot today. Particularlly something I should have realized a LOOONG time ago, but am just starting to do something about (kinda?) now. I find myself, a little more frequently than I would like, getting taken advantage of or getting treating horridly in ways that I would never treat a human being. I have this best friend, and yes, she is entirely my best friend, and I love her very much, but sometimes, she just brings me down to a trench in the ocean. She can say the meanest things. It's like I could say the same thing but ten times worse to you right now. But i don't. I don't say them. This is why I have lost my best friend, and this is why people think I am crazy. But goodness! I don't understand what is so wrong with bringing people up, and making them feel loved sometimes. Everyone needs love in their life. Tthey need someone to show them some sort of love, care, kindness. So, from here on out, I am not going to think, "oh, I could have told you that you did this thing wrong too, so shut up." No. Actions speak louder than words, and I am going to show it, I don not care what other people will think of me, but I am going to make people's days. Not for my own glory, but for their own comfort in knowing someone loves them and for the glory of my precious Lord.

I am not one for excuses, but I think the reason why I have such a difficult time with keeping my faith, and being consistently devoted to My Savior is this oh so ungodly world! I constantly find myself becoming completely vulnerable, or holding myself back from saying and doing things because they are not something Jesus would do. Now don't get me wrong, I love living my life in Christ's shadow, but people who just totally treat you mean, or insignificant makes it all that much more difficult. I think of this and then I think this definitely isn't any excuse. Christ went through plenty of persecution so much that he was crucified, CRUCIFIED for me. A girl who has betrayed God too many times to count, and has fallen into the Devil's traps an unexcusable number of times. This has always been such a hard concept for me. I am always convincted beyond words when we take communion or are talking about Jesus shedding his blood for me. He offers a salvation that no other diety could ever compensate for. I don't want to end up professing my faith and following Jesus out of guilt, but out of love, and mercy and the fact that without Him, my life would be incredibly more difficult than it is now, with Him. Yes, the Christian life is no walk in the park, but a life without Jesus is a walk I would never want to walk or imagine what it would be like to walk.

so, that is it. Not as random and messy as I thought. Throughout the day, I think of things, or experience things, and I want to blog about them. But then I get here, and I forget! go figure. soooo. That is a glimse inside of my thinking for today. :)

Also, I need to stop cursing. It is not cool, nor okay. STOP.

-An indifferent, ever-changing Emilia.

Fearless.

I cry everytime. Fearless-Colbikins! <3
I sit here in my bed tonight, half asleep because of the benadril (defs not how you spell it. whateves.) I just downed and sniffling, thinking about today. Today was a very odd day. I feel as though school tends to turn your world topsy-turvy and everywhere.

To start off, I love my best friend, Dee. She is the greatest person in the world. She is always there when I need a laugh, a cry, a distraction, a relation, a prayer, EVERYTHING. Dee, I will always cherish you, and our parallel life we live. :)

Today was a day that I will dedicate entirely to my Father above. Today was the first time in ages that I felt like me. Where I completely let go and allowed people to see the real me underneath my weight and my doubts. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." This is my life motto. I have not been entirely as close with God as I have been with in the past. 2010 was a spiritual high year for me, and I will never forget it. I learned so much more about myself, how to trust God more, how to reconnect, how to fully and completely give him my life, and everything I think, feel, want, hate. Let me tell you, it is not easy. It is not easy at all. I think that is where I find myself writing this blog. Today I felt absolutely fearless. I felt so alive, and filled with joy. You wanna know the irony of it all? It was our first day back to school after 3 weeks of vacation, I had to sit in the DMV for an hour and a half, I had to be hurt once again by a person I will never forget, and still love, and my brother was not only late after school, but left his phone in my car. The irony of it all, was that although this could have been an extremely horrid day, it turned out to be very enlightening. I feel as though today was a huge test from God. A test of my patience, my kindness, my perserverance, and my faith. I find it amazing the things God does to you and for you, when I (at least) felt like I have been the farthest from him for a while. It amazes me that God loves me THAT much to keep coming back to me, time and again. It is heartbreaking that I too come back to him time and time again, the only difference is, that he is ALWAYS there, I just think he comes back again. But no, it is I who leaves and comes back.

Today God put into me, this glow and joy that couldn't have come on a better day. I want to continue to live this way. To take in everyday as a day filled with challenges, but challenges that will be easier with God on my side. I want to not leave him, as he has never left me, and as he has continued to love me, even though I have betrayed him too many times to count. He is more than worth anything I own, or anything I desire. I want my life to revolve around Him.

My prayer tonight is that we can all just find ourselves in God's glory. That we can dive into this unconditional love he has for us terrible sinners. That we can just always treat people with love, and kindness no matter how much they have hurt us; we must treat people as God treats us. Weird. I could swear I learned this in Sunday School when I was 10. Funny how I am just picking up on the concept. ;)

I couldn't imagine my life without God in it. My goal is tell people about this unconditional love through my actions and love. I want people to be able to experience this as well. Yes, it is an extremely tough life to live, but I believe it is entirely worth it. There are not even words to describe how worth it it is. 

With you as my witness, I will continue to ask and seek God's glory in everything I do. Even if it is trying to find it in the DMV, or the first day back. I will find it.

I think this benadril has finally kicked in (as I nod off writing this). So, I leave you with these thoughts, whether they challenge you, teach you something new, or refresh your memory. Goonight Chicago! God Bless! <3

Emotional Night.

<3

This is my favorite song. It makes me cry everytime i hear it. Tonight i heard some fantastic news. I only want the best ever for any of my best friends. My very best friend, who is my favorite person to spend time with is now going out with the perfect guy. As a matter of fact, both of my very close friends are dating the best guys in their life right now. I can undoubtedly say i am entirely happy for them, they both deserve them. I on the otherhand have yet to find any such guy. It has been extremely difficult to see everyone around find someone that makes them smile endlessly, and can tell everything to, and have little cute, perks with. These past couple of weeks, i have thought more than ever what special person God will put in my life like that. I am convinced it is only up to him, and that He has blessed my dear friends in ways unimaginable. I cannot wait to meet my future husband, and spend my life with him. I just have to get the wating part mastered. To make matters worse, I watched He's Just Not That Into You today, and only messed with my feelings even more. I want to be in each of those relationships, well most, the cute ones. But I have to continually tell myself that that won't be MY relationship but it will be something soo very special to me because My Savior created it for me. I write this and believe this with complete confidence, but how come I get so upset then? This year, this new year I get another chance to spend on earth my one and only goal is put my trust in God ENTIRELY. I have had such strong times of faith in my life, and then i have had extremely weak times of faith in my life. I hate this. I hate this very very much. I need to live a life of complete faith and trust. God gave up his only son, for me. A stupid, jealous, sinner, HORRID sinner and yet i continue to treat him with such disrespect. I love my God very very much, too much to even explain. so why do i treat him in this manner? It is a question I will never fully understand until i dedicate myself to knowing him and understanding him to the best of my ability.
In all this rambling, I want to say congratulations to my two favorite people. I am soo very happy for you. I act like they are getting married. shoot! anyways, you both deserve the special people God has blessed you with.
I am a late bloomer. and I thank the counselor Danielle and Lisa for assuring me I am not the only one. :) I am entirely grateful for your encouragement you have given me, even though you have no idea how greatly you impacted me. ha.
Also, on a side note. I love you. I love you very much. You have done me wrong in ways you will never know. and to think i was done crying over you. I don't think i will ever stop crying over you. And you know what the worst part about it is? You will never know that. bummer. I only do the things i do as an attempt to mend this stupid situation we are in, and you could care less. I have always ALWAYS looked at the positive, while you have looked at the negatives. so now, i will look at the negatives. I do not and never will wish you harm, or the worst things in life. I have shed too many tears over you, and I am furious with myself for letting you take advantage of me so much. I don't care anmore. I am done hurting myself over you. and holding on like you do. Maybe you'll eventually get that letter, maybe you will eventually read this. Who knows. I hope that if you ever do, that you will have grown up, and learned from this, and never encounter another situation like this. But that will only happen if you decide to change. So if anything should come from this, I hope it be a change in you, a positive change in you. I will be more than willing to sacrifice my pain, dedication and cooperation for you to never treat another person like you treated me. I will try very hard not to be bitter, but you have made it very difficult. With this I end. I end our friendship, and everything that will go with it. Goodbye, B.

Today's theme: Reflection

We’ll say today is a day filled with reflection and old ways. This title began when I went with my best friend since kindergarten to Walmart where we spotted Doritos, and memories began to flood our older, more sophisticated brains. As kids, whenever I would go to her house to spend the night, we would stop by Albertsons and pick up a 2 liter bottle of root beer and 3-D Doritios. We would dip them into the root beer, drink out of them, and eat them, soggy. WE LOVED DOING IT. Then directly after that, we began to discuss college, and what we would do with our oh so eventful and baby lives. She began to tell me how she didn’t want to go to a university; that she wasn’t ready to leave, and take her SAT’s and all of the other goodies that come with the joys and fears of applying, getting ready for and then GOING to college. She has yet to tell anyone because she is mortified of the disappoint they will have in her. She is a tough position. If I ever told my parents I wasn’t going to college, I would be kicked out. However, I feel that I am entirely and completely ready to meet new and exciting people and to explore a new, uncharted territory and just leave Palmdale. I am surely more mature than many of classmates, and feel that now more than ever I am entirely ready. I went on to tell her though, that our society has this cookie cutter idea that people go to college right after college. Not everyone is emotionally, mentally or maybe academically for college at 17 or 18, and that people need to go when they feel ready to do so. Also, Katey had applied to Del Taco and has a second interview this week. She is not sitting on her tucus, doing absolutely nothing relying on her dear old mommy and daddy. I respect kids that do what Katey is doing. Not everyone is ready to go right now, and that is okay, just don’t be lazy and sit on your bum didily dum.

            Another very exciting reason to make today’s theme reflection is my little-big bro is going to get his driver’s license today!!! The most exciting part about this is that I don’t have to drive him to Mars and back everyday!! I must admit, he is a not-so-great driver in my eyes, but hopefully the DMV lady driving with him today is not seeing through my eyes. So with all the prayers I have prayed and all the body parts I have crossed, Will, your big sis is rootin’ for ya!!

            The very tragic way I came up with the theme for today, is  filling out my LAAAAAAAAAAAAME CAS reflection forms. How appropriate. It’s not that they are extremely difficult, it’s just that they are extremely time consuming. I was doing really good, and on a roll until I got to my CCA form. CCAing has changed my life more than I ever imagined it. When the form asks, “What was the outcome of the activity?” It was great, it changed my life, I love the kids, the kids love me, I feel like myself up there. I discovered God in a new light, and really challenged my faith and who I was. Now can I put that in my form? Sure. If I want them to not count my hours. So I just put a stupid, lifeless, false answer that will get me my stupid piece of paper that justifies “how hard I have worked.” I love that to tell myself that I have worked hard, I need a piece of paper, in which a tree was killed during the process of making it. Oh, Life. So, I end this rambling blog, pondering life, and all of the memories I have shared with the amazing people God has put into my life.