yes, yes I will. :)
Okay. There is no doubt that God has been ever so present in my life this week. What he wants from me, I am eager to discover, but for now, I patiently wait and stand in silence. There is this song, that gets me every time. It goes "turn your eyes upon me know, be still when you can't figure it out." I tend go, go, go, and focus on what I plan for my life, instead of listening to what God is planning for my life. This song reminds me to just pause, and listen to what He is trying to tell me, and maybe things would be turning out a bit better.
It all started at the beginning of the week, when I got a lovely little message for a certain someone... This kid's name will remain unsaid, but for the blog's sake, and my venting sake, I will call him Schmids. Schmids is a very "special" child. I will not go into detail, but let's just say that the kid is socially awkward.. He tries so hard to fit in with the crowd, and he is ALWAYS trying to find someone to go out with, or to have as his girlfriend. Well he always made these like "top girls lists" or who he would go for first, who he would never go for, etc. Well, sophmore year, I was on his "not to date" list because, according to him, I was "to fat." Okay, okay. I get it. Did I care? nope. Not at all. So anyways, senior year, he decides to confide in my best friend, and everyone else in my class for that matter, that he actually likes me, and that he thinks i am cute, and loves my personality. This is coming from the kid who only goes for tall, thin brunettes; type I am not. Anyways, he was sure that he liked me, and hence (needing to satisfy his admiration immediately) needed to ask me out, and be my boyfriend. So I find this out, and am like oh dang. What am I supposed to do now?! I cannot say no to the kid, because he is already rejected all of the time, and i just don't want to beput in any situation where I would have to crush his lil' heart. :( Long story short, he asked me out, I said no, he was devastated. Then, he asked me to prom, I still said no, (despite the fact I still don't have a date) and to this day, he still thinks I am dancing with him. Then, this week, I get a facebook message from him. Asking me out AGAIN. Once again, I didn't want to confront him, and put off responding. Being the persistent little fella he is, he asked me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. if i had checked it yet, if i had read it yet. SHUT UP! Anyways, I ended up messaging him back, and told him i just wanted to be his friend and that is all we will ever be. And that if he brought it up again, I would have to kill him.
Every time that a Schmids story came up, my best friend, and eveyone for that matter, thought it was so funny, and that i should at least just go on a date with him, just to make him happy. Everytime a situation with the kid was brought up, i just got so upset. On one hand, I felt like S&%# for being mean to him after all the bullying the kid goes through, and the, one top of that, I had my best friends, who are supposed to understand me, and support me, egging me on to date him! Time after time, no excuse got me out of it. They would ask why I didn't want to go on a single sate with him, and I would say "cuz it's Schmid!!" but no, that was being judgemental. I kept on telling them, if they were in my situation, they wouldn't do it, buuut no, they would. Well here's the thing. Girls that were already dating a guy, he didn't go after, no matter how high on his list they were. But since, I was single, AND he liked me, I was fresh bait. This story is endless, as are my emotions on it. But long story, short. Schmids is Schmids. Like any other person I don't like because i simply DONT LIKE THEM, he is in the same boat. But i felt (feel) like i am constantly ridiculed for not giving him a chance because "I cared what other ppl thought and yada, yada, yada." I am done with the kid, and no I am not hanging out with him in the group, I don't enjoy being around him. I. DON'T. LIKE. HIM. PEROD.! UGH. I am soooo ready to get out of here, and never have to see ppl again. If I had to blog about all of my emotions and thoughts right now, it would not fit on one web page.
SO, my week was off to a great start, and it only got better. I want to go to the University of Georgia. It is my dream school. I, however, do not know how I will do a couple of things when I get there. One, pay for it, the tuition, and the flights and everything that goes along with it. Two, being so far from home. And three, passing college courses. Lately I have just been so hard on myself, with thoughts that I am not smart enough, and that I am not this, and not that. Anyway, that a whole different post. SO, the university was having this "New Dawgs Information Session" every weekend in April, that I really wanted to go to. Just to get some last minute info on the university, answer some questions I had, see the school, and where I would live, meet with a financial aid officer and make my final decision of going there. SO I called my aunt, and asked what date she would be available to take me, and of course her free dates, where ones that I was busy and my free dates were ones that she was busy on. Keep in mind, I am figuring all this out on Monday, April 4th. SO, the only weekend she can so it is that coming weekend, the 8th. So, scrambling it all together last minute, my Meemaw paid for my ticket, and I planned on flying out the 8th. I was so excited that I would be going to Georgia, and was gonna see everyone. EEK!
My flight left thursday morning at 12:30. So, I left my house at 8:00, and got to the airport around 9:30, park my car, take the bus the airport. On the bus I look at my itinerary and see the date that says "Leave April, 14th" And I am like, this can't be right.. Surely enough, I was flying out next week, not tonight. So, I call my dad, BALLING, barely able to speak. He tells me to go the ticket counter, and see what they can do, and if they could get me a ticket to fly out that night. They could, but for a charge of 700$. yeah right. SO my dad tells me that isn't happening, and to drive home and i'll just fly out next week. There was still another problem. My aunt (who is in S.C., three hours ahead of us, sleeping) was expecting to pick me up at 8:00 that morning. Of course, I am calling and calling and get no answer. Finally, she calls me, and tries to calm me down. After long contemplation and rescheduling, there was no way she would be able to take me next week, and there was no way of me flying out that night. On top of all this, Georgia's info session for next week was on a monday, instead of a friday, and I was flying back home sunday, so I would miss it. So I decided I just wasn't going. I caused all this trouble with my aunt, and she lost so many hours of sleep over me, I told her to go to bed and i would call her in the morning.
I ended up leaving the airport at around 12:30, and getting home at 2ish. I cried the whole way home. SO many emotions sprung from this one little mistake. I felt like such an idiot. How could I do such a thing? I would have to go to school on friday and ppl would be wondering why I was there, and not in Georgia, and what on earth would I tell them? I knew God was trying to tell me something. Was it that I need to slow down and listen to him, have him lead me, instead of me leading myself, should I go to UGA at all? What was it? I still don't know. And I don't know when I will. But, I do know, I am going to Georgia NEXT thursday, and if anything goes wrong then, I might as well just lay in my bed the rest of my life, and rethink what God has been trying to get across to me, what I should be doing. I am just at a loss for words at this point, and am just going to do what I have to do, and listen to God to the best of my ability.
It will be hard to go to Georgia. I have yet to weigh the pros and cons. Time is winding down, and I am running out. I think I just don't want to think about it, and that's why I have put it off. I will miss my family, my best friends, California, the Barnetts, everyone who has made me so happy and has impacted my life. It will make me sad when my friends are going home to visit their family for the weekend, and I am not, but it was my choice. If I do go to Georgia, I will know that God is by my side, and with him, I can conquer everything. I just know that trips home will become that much more sacred to me, and memories I will cherish forever. So, tonight, I will make that list. I will cry. I will figure out what God wants me to do. I will survive.
P.S. on the bright side of this week, we got our bathroom done, and this cute kid thinks I'm cute! AHHHHH! Thanks for the perfect timing, God. ;)
Goodnight Friends!
Sincerely, Emilia
No comments:
Post a Comment