Let the Freakin Rain

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

that is all. Thanks Sara for ALWAYS reading my mind and knowing just how I feel. This is why I am obsessed with you so. 

I don't want to cry, because I don't want to seem weak because I feel like so many people look up to me for my strength. Is it strength then? Or just trust in the Lord? It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry. It's okay to cry. This is what I have to keep on telling myself. 44 DAYS.

So, here I am again. I think this is home sickeness, or it might just be the fact that I don't have a journal to write, or a stupid problem to deal with, or a test to study for, and I might just have too much time to think. I love college, and it's been so great. But there are minor difficulties. I don't feel as if I work as hard, and I need to study more, or work harder. I feel like I burt myself out in high school trying to work so hard to get here, that now I feel like I don't need to work anymore. Which is so bad. I feel as though I am going to fail one class, and sure, I can withdrawl from it, but that still shows up on my transcript. I don't know, I just want to be in my profession and almost fast forward through all of this hard stuff, but don't we all? I have and always will struggle with the unknown future, and decision making. I wish there were a caution sign, and a check list. That I could just check off everything I need to do to ensure that I will get into my major, and that I will get into grad school. I just hate not knowing, and I also hate my lack of trust in a God that knows everything that will happen in the future. I HATE that I can't trust him, when in reality, I don't need these checklists and cautions but instead just need that trust in him.

I miss Dee. I miss Brooklyn. I miss Carrie. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I miss Jackie Luna, and Steph and Devin. I miss those three little Barnett munchins and their awesome parents. I miss all of those great people. This is why I think it is home sickness. I don't like my roommate, who was I thought at the time "a sign from God to come to UGA." She reminds me alot of a former friend of mine. I don't even know what to say. I do like my roommate Rachel. I don't think she knows exactly how much I enjoy spending time with her. She makes me feel at home, and she reminds me of traits from people from home.

HOME. home, home home. The meaning of this word has become so special to my heart. It reminds me of being home when my dad comes in the door and fixes himself a burrito with molded chicken, cheese and salsa. Or fixes himself a sandwich because my mom is sleeping in the bed already. It reminds of my brother's smelly feet and watching Wheel of Fortune every night, my mom telling us repeatedly Vana White is from North Murtle Beach, S.C. It reminds me of smelly Jasper jumping on my lap, wanting attention. I hate that in life, you don't learn to truly appreciate things until you are removed form them. My sister and I's relationship would not be nearly as great as it is now, if she had not gone to college. I remember when she left, I would cry every night. Missing her always. And now, crazy Emily has moved 2,218 miles further away from her. All of my roommates talk about going home, and I can't. I try not to bitter about it because it was my choice to come out here, and therefore I have no room to complain.     Speaking of home, there are 64 days, 4 hours, 47 minutes and 39 seconds until I go HOME to California, where I am from and where my heart is. So, I apologize if I talk about missing home alot. You try living 2,000 miles away from everyone you love, has seen you grow up and knows you so well, then talk to me about  my excessive complaining.

I had so many more emotions and thoughts running through my head, but as I got talking to my roommate, and realized I wasn't alone anymore, they went away. So on another day, where I have had free time to think, and be sad and depressive and home sick, I will blog about similar feelings. Thanks for semi-caring.

Love,
Em

I have no more tears left.

Today, I got kicked out of my University. Actually. I won't even call it my University. I will call it the university I no longer attend. I keep trying to tell myself that God will prevail, that through this he will come through. But it is so much more difficult to actually believe. About two seconds ago, my awesome RA walks into my room with paperwork in her hand and says "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "yes." I say. The paperwork states that I have 24 hours to vacate my Residence Hall. Awesome. Not only was I placed in supplemental housing because this university did not have enough housing to properly accommodate the some thousand odd students they over admitted but they also like to charge an out of state student triple times the amount of money to get the same exact education as an in state student that is paying three times less. Which is why I had to get student loans in the first place. Then, when my student loans did not get transferred to Student Accounts, who have the CRAPPIEST WEBSITE OF ALL TIME. You literally cannot understand how any of it works. How was I supposed to know that I still had a 14,000 $ balance on my account when whenever I logged in, it definitely said an account balance of 0. So, because I didn't pay my fall tuition (without my knowledge, might I add) I was dropped from all of my classes and am no longer a Student at this university. In order to re-become a student, I have to go to each office of my instructor, their departmental chair and the dean of the college I WAS enrolled under, then turn them all into the Registrar's office. Oh, and did i mention you have to pay a 150 dollar reinstatement fee?! Oh right, let me just pay you for all the inconvenience I have caused you. You poor souls haven't caused ME any inconvenience at ALL. Side note: I have (had) an art class on Thursdays from 3:30 to 4:45. I had to get the instructor's signature first, then the department chair, and then the dean. Well, of course each and everyone of them is in a different building all over the GINORMOUS campus of this university. So, of course, the office hours of everyone of my professors are from 2:00 to 3:30. Every office including the deans, the department chairs, registrar's and the student accounts closes at 5 o'clock. Just do the math. Yes, that's right. I had all of an hour and fifteen minutes before a class at 3:30 and all of 15 minutes to go around after that class to pick up forms I had left for department chairs that had been in meetings, or at lunch. So, I get the last signature of my art instructor, and she signs where the dean is supposed to sign instead of on the line that says "Instructor's Signature." So, when I go to get the dean's signature, she says "Oh, they might have you get this one re-signed because she didn't sign where she was supposed to." Speechless.

You know, I could sit here and say that this is ridiculous, and that they should not be feeing me, and penalized me, but I was the one who didn't sign the MPN, and that's that. I can get as mad, and cry as much as I want, but in reality, it's all me.

When I applied to this university I told myself if I got in, I would go here because it is not the end of the world, and I would just deal with the distance because I loved it so much. You can imagine my feelings have since then changed. I was set on coming here. The day that my acceptance letter came, reality set it. I was going to have to commit to this school. You want to know the truth? I came to this university to stick to my word when I told people that I was coming here. When people would ask me where I was going to school, and I told them this university, they ALL responded "really?! are you sure?! that's so far!" Yeah. Word of advice, listen to people's reactions, they are reacting that way for a reason. Now I am at this university, I've met some amazing people, especially my roommates. They're  just great. But at the same time I think about all of the amazing people back at home who I miss like crazy. I miss my dad, my sister, my mom and maybe even a little of my brother. I miss the Barnett's Noel, Brooke, Dee. Like I know if I went to a university in California, I would still be away, but like this weekend. They are all going home, and I would be too, but I'm not. I just don't know what to do. I really want to go home. But I feel as though that would just be a super bad reaction to all this, and that once all of this being dropped from this university crap is over and done with, I will want to stay here. But at this point in time, I don't see how God will prevail in this situation. I know that God has a plan in all of this, and that he is using this in SOME WAY to make his plan clear to me, but I just don't know what it is or when I will know. Like my wise sister said the other day, not having peace of mind is the worst thing about this situation. I hate being alone out here with people who don't know me. I miss talking to my dad everyday after work when he got home. He was the only one who I could look at in the morning and not want to punch if he said good morning to me. I miss his coffee and his grits and his making fun of large people on the Biggest Loser. When he lost his mom, he was so sad. I had peace of mind knowing that she was in a better place. She was so lonely and I couldn't imagine losing so many people in my life that I loved. But just to see my dad so sad, and so hurt. I think he feels guilty for not being able to be there for her, and being so far away. God has this way of showing up in our lives during the most difficult times. I think something that He is trying to teach me is to just trust in his plan, and not to overanalyze every little event in my life. He has put me where I am, with the people here for a reason, and I have to accept that. I don't know that reason, but He does. And that should be comforting enough. That my life is in the hands of the most powerful, loving, caring and forgiving God.

Many the Miles. Amen.

goodbyes & driveways.

Bathtubs, Bitches and Blogs

just STAND.

Yes, I am blogging from my bathtub tonight. I have always wanted to do numerous things in my bathtub; read, sleep, be on the computer, take a bath. Ya see, since we moved into our house 6 years ago, I never had my own bathroom with my own bathtub, so these tasks become even more exciting to do, because of the anticipation of finishing my bathroom.

The second part....well people are bitches. 'Nough said. The worst part about other people being bitches, is that because of them, you become one too.

Tonight, my mother and I went to go see the new movie "Something Borrowed." It was good, I hated the ending, but otherwise a decent movie. It is about these two best friends, who have been inseperable since the beginning of time. One, went to law school, and got her degree, and is very intelligent, while the other partied it up after college, and really went no where. However, while in law school, Rachel met Dexter. They were study buds, and really hit it off. Well one night, Darcy, the other best friend, came to join them for dinner. Darcy is this hot, obnoxious blonde, who alsways took everything from Rachel and thought that she deserved everything. Rachel was always there for Darcy and loved her, but for some odd reason, Rachel always let Darcy take advantage of her. So, Dexter, the man that Rachel is in love with, is getting married to Dexter. One night, Dexter and Rachel meet up, and Rachel confesses her crush on Dexter, and from there they start sleeping together behind Darcy's back, and are basically having an affair. The reason why Rachel never told Dexter about her crush, was because she didn't think a guy like Dexter would ever go for her. I felt a real connection with the story, and particularly Rachel. I never want to do what I want, or never feel like I deserve anything, becasue I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I always don't say or do things my way, beacause I take the other person's feelings into account. Now, if I put myself in their shoes, would they do something like that for me? HELL NO. Now, I do not believe this is a tit for tat world, but I do need to be confident in the things I earn, and I need to know that I deserve it no matter what other people think. 

Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve certain boys as my boyfriend, or to flirt with them, because they would never like a girl like me, or I am too fat, or ugly. I need to just be myself, and not try, but it will happen. It just drives me so crazy that attraction is everything. BECAUSE IT ISN'T! I wish everyone could walk around with a paper sack on top of them, and we based our attration off of morals, and personality as opposed to looks. It makes me really sad.

I am Rachel. and I have a Darcy in my life. I cannot wait until the day I stand up for myself, and do what I want, and be how I want to be. I will show her that I do deserve a loving guy, and all the awards I have EARNED.

Lesson of the night: Stand up for what you believe in, do what you want to do. Don't let your empathy toward other people keep you froom doing that either. FInd friends and people in your life that will support and encourage you.

Goodnight, Y'all.

what a week, to say the least...

yes, yes I will. :)

Okay. There is no doubt that God has been ever so present in my life this week. What he wants from me, I am eager to discover, but for now, I patiently wait and stand in silence. There is this song, that gets me every time. It goes "turn your eyes upon me know, be still when you can't figure it out." I tend go, go, go, and focus on what I plan for my life, instead of listening to what God is planning for my life. This song reminds me to just pause, and listen to what He is trying to tell me, and maybe things would be turning out a bit better.

It all started at the beginning of the week, when I got a lovely little message for a certain someone... This kid's name will remain unsaid, but for the blog's sake, and my venting sake, I will call him Schmids. Schmids is a very "special" child. I will not go into detail, but let's just say that the kid is socially awkward.. He tries so hard to fit in with the crowd, and he is ALWAYS trying to find someone to go out with, or to have as his girlfriend. Well he always made these like "top girls lists" or who he would go for first, who he would never go for, etc. Well, sophmore year, I was on his "not to date" list because, according to him, I was "to fat." Okay, okay. I get it. Did I care? nope. Not at all. So anyways, senior year, he decides to confide in my best friend, and everyone else in my class for that matter, that he actually likes me, and that he thinks i am cute, and loves my personality. This is coming from the kid who only goes for tall, thin brunettes; type I am not. Anyways, he was sure that he liked me, and hence (needing to satisfy his admiration immediately) needed to ask me out, and be my boyfriend. So I find this out, and am like oh dang. What am I supposed to do now?! I cannot say no to the kid, because he is already rejected all of the time, and i just don't want to beput in any situation where I would have to crush his lil' heart. :( Long story short, he asked me out, I said no, he was devastated. Then, he asked me to prom, I still said no, (despite the fact I still don't have a date) and to this day, he still thinks I am dancing with him. Then, this week, I get a facebook message from him. Asking me out AGAIN. Once again, I didn't want to confront him, and put off responding. Being the persistent little fella he is, he asked me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. if i had checked it yet, if i had read it yet. SHUT UP! Anyways, I ended up messaging him back, and told him i just wanted to be his friend and that is all we will ever be. And that if he brought it up again, I would have to kill him.

Every time that a Schmids story came up, my best friend, and eveyone for that matter, thought it was so funny, and that i should at least just go on a date with him, just to make him happy. Everytime a situation with the kid was brought up, i just got so upset. On one hand, I felt like S&%# for being mean to him after all the bullying the kid goes through, and the, one top of that, I had my best friends, who are supposed to understand me, and support me, egging me on to date him! Time after time, no excuse got me out of it. They would ask why I didn't want to go on a single sate with him, and I would say "cuz it's Schmid!!" but no, that was being judgemental. I kept on telling them, if they were in my situation, they wouldn't do it, buuut no, they would. Well here's the thing. Girls that were already dating a guy, he didn't go after, no matter how high on his list they were. But since, I was single, AND  he liked me, I was fresh bait. This story is endless, as are my emotions on it. But long story, short. Schmids is Schmids. Like any other person I don't like because i simply DONT LIKE THEM, he is in the same boat. But i felt (feel) like i am constantly ridiculed for not giving him a chance because "I cared what other ppl thought and yada, yada, yada." I am done with the kid, and no I am not hanging out with him in the group, I don't enjoy being around him. I. DON'T. LIKE. HIM. PEROD.! UGH. I am soooo ready to get out of here, and never have to see ppl again. If I had to blog about all of my emotions and thoughts right now, it would not fit on one web page.

SO, my week was off to a great start, and it only got better. I want to go to the University of Georgia. It is my dream school. I, however, do not know how I will do a couple of things when I get there. One, pay for it, the tuition, and the flights and everything that goes along with it. Two, being so far from home. And three, passing college courses. Lately I have just been so hard on myself, with thoughts that I am not smart enough, and that I am not this, and not that. Anyway, that a whole different post. SO, the university was having this "New Dawgs Information Session" every weekend in April, that I really wanted to go to. Just to get some last minute info on the university, answer some questions I had, see the school, and where I would live, meet with a financial aid officer and make my final decision of going there. SO I called my aunt, and asked what date she would be available to take me, and of course her free dates, where ones that I was busy and my free dates were ones that she was busy on. Keep in mind, I am figuring all this out on Monday, April 4th. SO, the only weekend she can so it is that coming weekend, the 8th. So, scrambling it all together last minute, my Meemaw paid for my ticket, and I planned on flying out the 8th. I was so excited that I would be going to Georgia, and was gonna see everyone. EEK!

My flight left thursday morning at 12:30. So, I left my house at 8:00, and got to the airport around 9:30, park my car, take the bus the airport. On the bus I look at my itinerary and see the date that says "Leave April, 14th" And I am like, this can't be right.. Surely enough, I was flying out next week, not tonight. So, I call my dad, BALLING, barely able to speak. He tells me to go the ticket counter, and see what they can do, and if they could get me a ticket to fly out that night. They could, but for a charge of 700$. yeah right. SO my dad tells me that isn't happening, and to drive home and i'll just fly out next week. There was still another problem. My aunt (who is in S.C., three hours ahead of us, sleeping) was expecting to pick me up at 8:00 that morning. Of course, I am calling and calling and get no answer. Finally, she calls me, and tries to calm me down. After long contemplation and rescheduling, there was no way she would be able to take me next week, and there was no way of me flying out that night. On top of all this, Georgia's info session for next week was on a monday, instead of a friday, and I was flying back home sunday, so I would miss it. So I decided I just wasn't going. I caused all this trouble with my aunt, and she lost so many hours of sleep over me, I told her to go to bed and i would call her in the morning.

I ended up leaving the airport at around 12:30, and getting home at 2ish. I cried the whole way home. SO many emotions sprung from this one little mistake. I felt like such an idiot. How could I do such a thing? I would have to go to school on friday and ppl would be wondering why I was there, and not in Georgia, and what on earth would I tell them? I knew God was trying to tell me something. Was it that I need to slow down and listen to him, have him lead me, instead of me leading myself, should I go to UGA at all? What was it? I still don't know. And I don't know when I will. But, I do know, I am going to Georgia NEXT thursday, and if anything goes wrong then, I might as well just lay in my bed the rest of my life, and rethink what God has been trying to get across to me, what I should be doing. I am just at a loss for words at this point, and am just going to do what I have to do, and listen to God to the best of my ability.

It will be hard to go to Georgia. I have yet to weigh the pros and cons. Time is winding down, and I am running out. I think I just don't want to think about it, and that's why I have put it off. I will miss my family, my best friends, California, the Barnetts, everyone who has made me so happy and has impacted my life. It will make me sad when my friends are going home to visit their family for the weekend, and I am not, but it was my choice. If I do go to Georgia, I will know that God is by my side, and with him, I can conquer everything. I just know that trips home will become that much more sacred to me, and memories I will cherish forever. So, tonight, I will make that list. I will cry. I will figure out what God wants me to do. I will survive.

P.S. on the bright side of this week, we got our bathroom done, and this cute kid thinks I'm cute! AHHHHH! Thanks for the perfect timing, God. ;)

Goodnight Friends!
Sincerely, Emilia

They come and Go.

So instead of doing my homework, or doing my extended essay, or wathcing my next episode of bones, or sleeping, or working out, I decided to blog. I have discovered that this is a magnificent little way of letting my thoughts go, and allowing me to think about all sorts of things. So be prepared for a all sorts of random, ambivalent, indifferent and great things in this post.

So, I must begin by saying that Ms. Sara Barellies is my all time favorite artist! Every song of hers always finds a way of relating to how I am feeling at that moment. It is indescribable. So thanks you miss, I WILL be going to see you live one day. I WILL.

Second, the greatest sister in the world that I can call all mine is turning 20 on thursday! 20!!!! She will always be a kid at heart, but her growing in age, means I will be growing in age as well. Which brings a lot of gross, adulty things to do, which I would rather take a bullet over than do. goodness. I love you my dear sister very very much. and I hope that you have THE greatest 20th birthday of all time! And I do not need to tell you to party it up, becasue I know for sure that the good ol' Barbs will take care of both of us AND the hunger of a third world country for us. ;)

I realize quite a lot today. Particularlly something I should have realized a LOOONG time ago, but am just starting to do something about (kinda?) now. I find myself, a little more frequently than I would like, getting taken advantage of or getting treating horridly in ways that I would never treat a human being. I have this best friend, and yes, she is entirely my best friend, and I love her very much, but sometimes, she just brings me down to a trench in the ocean. She can say the meanest things. It's like I could say the same thing but ten times worse to you right now. But i don't. I don't say them. This is why I have lost my best friend, and this is why people think I am crazy. But goodness! I don't understand what is so wrong with bringing people up, and making them feel loved sometimes. Everyone needs love in their life. Tthey need someone to show them some sort of love, care, kindness. So, from here on out, I am not going to think, "oh, I could have told you that you did this thing wrong too, so shut up." No. Actions speak louder than words, and I am going to show it, I don not care what other people will think of me, but I am going to make people's days. Not for my own glory, but for their own comfort in knowing someone loves them and for the glory of my precious Lord.

I am not one for excuses, but I think the reason why I have such a difficult time with keeping my faith, and being consistently devoted to My Savior is this oh so ungodly world! I constantly find myself becoming completely vulnerable, or holding myself back from saying and doing things because they are not something Jesus would do. Now don't get me wrong, I love living my life in Christ's shadow, but people who just totally treat you mean, or insignificant makes it all that much more difficult. I think of this and then I think this definitely isn't any excuse. Christ went through plenty of persecution so much that he was crucified, CRUCIFIED for me. A girl who has betrayed God too many times to count, and has fallen into the Devil's traps an unexcusable number of times. This has always been such a hard concept for me. I am always convincted beyond words when we take communion or are talking about Jesus shedding his blood for me. He offers a salvation that no other diety could ever compensate for. I don't want to end up professing my faith and following Jesus out of guilt, but out of love, and mercy and the fact that without Him, my life would be incredibly more difficult than it is now, with Him. Yes, the Christian life is no walk in the park, but a life without Jesus is a walk I would never want to walk or imagine what it would be like to walk.

so, that is it. Not as random and messy as I thought. Throughout the day, I think of things, or experience things, and I want to blog about them. But then I get here, and I forget! go figure. soooo. That is a glimse inside of my thinking for today. :)

Also, I need to stop cursing. It is not cool, nor okay. STOP.

-An indifferent, ever-changing Emilia.

Fearless.

I cry everytime. Fearless-Colbikins! <3
I sit here in my bed tonight, half asleep because of the benadril (defs not how you spell it. whateves.) I just downed and sniffling, thinking about today. Today was a very odd day. I feel as though school tends to turn your world topsy-turvy and everywhere.

To start off, I love my best friend, Dee. She is the greatest person in the world. She is always there when I need a laugh, a cry, a distraction, a relation, a prayer, EVERYTHING. Dee, I will always cherish you, and our parallel life we live. :)

Today was a day that I will dedicate entirely to my Father above. Today was the first time in ages that I felt like me. Where I completely let go and allowed people to see the real me underneath my weight and my doubts. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." This is my life motto. I have not been entirely as close with God as I have been with in the past. 2010 was a spiritual high year for me, and I will never forget it. I learned so much more about myself, how to trust God more, how to reconnect, how to fully and completely give him my life, and everything I think, feel, want, hate. Let me tell you, it is not easy. It is not easy at all. I think that is where I find myself writing this blog. Today I felt absolutely fearless. I felt so alive, and filled with joy. You wanna know the irony of it all? It was our first day back to school after 3 weeks of vacation, I had to sit in the DMV for an hour and a half, I had to be hurt once again by a person I will never forget, and still love, and my brother was not only late after school, but left his phone in my car. The irony of it all, was that although this could have been an extremely horrid day, it turned out to be very enlightening. I feel as though today was a huge test from God. A test of my patience, my kindness, my perserverance, and my faith. I find it amazing the things God does to you and for you, when I (at least) felt like I have been the farthest from him for a while. It amazes me that God loves me THAT much to keep coming back to me, time and again. It is heartbreaking that I too come back to him time and time again, the only difference is, that he is ALWAYS there, I just think he comes back again. But no, it is I who leaves and comes back.

Today God put into me, this glow and joy that couldn't have come on a better day. I want to continue to live this way. To take in everyday as a day filled with challenges, but challenges that will be easier with God on my side. I want to not leave him, as he has never left me, and as he has continued to love me, even though I have betrayed him too many times to count. He is more than worth anything I own, or anything I desire. I want my life to revolve around Him.

My prayer tonight is that we can all just find ourselves in God's glory. That we can dive into this unconditional love he has for us terrible sinners. That we can just always treat people with love, and kindness no matter how much they have hurt us; we must treat people as God treats us. Weird. I could swear I learned this in Sunday School when I was 10. Funny how I am just picking up on the concept. ;)

I couldn't imagine my life without God in it. My goal is tell people about this unconditional love through my actions and love. I want people to be able to experience this as well. Yes, it is an extremely tough life to live, but I believe it is entirely worth it. There are not even words to describe how worth it it is. 

With you as my witness, I will continue to ask and seek God's glory in everything I do. Even if it is trying to find it in the DMV, or the first day back. I will find it.

I think this benadril has finally kicked in (as I nod off writing this). So, I leave you with these thoughts, whether they challenge you, teach you something new, or refresh your memory. Goonight Chicago! God Bless! <3

Emotional Night.

<3

This is my favorite song. It makes me cry everytime i hear it. Tonight i heard some fantastic news. I only want the best ever for any of my best friends. My very best friend, who is my favorite person to spend time with is now going out with the perfect guy. As a matter of fact, both of my very close friends are dating the best guys in their life right now. I can undoubtedly say i am entirely happy for them, they both deserve them. I on the otherhand have yet to find any such guy. It has been extremely difficult to see everyone around find someone that makes them smile endlessly, and can tell everything to, and have little cute, perks with. These past couple of weeks, i have thought more than ever what special person God will put in my life like that. I am convinced it is only up to him, and that He has blessed my dear friends in ways unimaginable. I cannot wait to meet my future husband, and spend my life with him. I just have to get the wating part mastered. To make matters worse, I watched He's Just Not That Into You today, and only messed with my feelings even more. I want to be in each of those relationships, well most, the cute ones. But I have to continually tell myself that that won't be MY relationship but it will be something soo very special to me because My Savior created it for me. I write this and believe this with complete confidence, but how come I get so upset then? This year, this new year I get another chance to spend on earth my one and only goal is put my trust in God ENTIRELY. I have had such strong times of faith in my life, and then i have had extremely weak times of faith in my life. I hate this. I hate this very very much. I need to live a life of complete faith and trust. God gave up his only son, for me. A stupid, jealous, sinner, HORRID sinner and yet i continue to treat him with such disrespect. I love my God very very much, too much to even explain. so why do i treat him in this manner? It is a question I will never fully understand until i dedicate myself to knowing him and understanding him to the best of my ability.
In all this rambling, I want to say congratulations to my two favorite people. I am soo very happy for you. I act like they are getting married. shoot! anyways, you both deserve the special people God has blessed you with.
I am a late bloomer. and I thank the counselor Danielle and Lisa for assuring me I am not the only one. :) I am entirely grateful for your encouragement you have given me, even though you have no idea how greatly you impacted me. ha.
Also, on a side note. I love you. I love you very much. You have done me wrong in ways you will never know. and to think i was done crying over you. I don't think i will ever stop crying over you. And you know what the worst part about it is? You will never know that. bummer. I only do the things i do as an attempt to mend this stupid situation we are in, and you could care less. I have always ALWAYS looked at the positive, while you have looked at the negatives. so now, i will look at the negatives. I do not and never will wish you harm, or the worst things in life. I have shed too many tears over you, and I am furious with myself for letting you take advantage of me so much. I don't care anmore. I am done hurting myself over you. and holding on like you do. Maybe you'll eventually get that letter, maybe you will eventually read this. Who knows. I hope that if you ever do, that you will have grown up, and learned from this, and never encounter another situation like this. But that will only happen if you decide to change. So if anything should come from this, I hope it be a change in you, a positive change in you. I will be more than willing to sacrifice my pain, dedication and cooperation for you to never treat another person like you treated me. I will try very hard not to be bitter, but you have made it very difficult. With this I end. I end our friendship, and everything that will go with it. Goodbye, B.

Today's theme: Reflection

We’ll say today is a day filled with reflection and old ways. This title began when I went with my best friend since kindergarten to Walmart where we spotted Doritos, and memories began to flood our older, more sophisticated brains. As kids, whenever I would go to her house to spend the night, we would stop by Albertsons and pick up a 2 liter bottle of root beer and 3-D Doritios. We would dip them into the root beer, drink out of them, and eat them, soggy. WE LOVED DOING IT. Then directly after that, we began to discuss college, and what we would do with our oh so eventful and baby lives. She began to tell me how she didn’t want to go to a university; that she wasn’t ready to leave, and take her SAT’s and all of the other goodies that come with the joys and fears of applying, getting ready for and then GOING to college. She has yet to tell anyone because she is mortified of the disappoint they will have in her. She is a tough position. If I ever told my parents I wasn’t going to college, I would be kicked out. However, I feel that I am entirely and completely ready to meet new and exciting people and to explore a new, uncharted territory and just leave Palmdale. I am surely more mature than many of classmates, and feel that now more than ever I am entirely ready. I went on to tell her though, that our society has this cookie cutter idea that people go to college right after college. Not everyone is emotionally, mentally or maybe academically for college at 17 or 18, and that people need to go when they feel ready to do so. Also, Katey had applied to Del Taco and has a second interview this week. She is not sitting on her tucus, doing absolutely nothing relying on her dear old mommy and daddy. I respect kids that do what Katey is doing. Not everyone is ready to go right now, and that is okay, just don’t be lazy and sit on your bum didily dum.

            Another very exciting reason to make today’s theme reflection is my little-big bro is going to get his driver’s license today!!! The most exciting part about this is that I don’t have to drive him to Mars and back everyday!! I must admit, he is a not-so-great driver in my eyes, but hopefully the DMV lady driving with him today is not seeing through my eyes. So with all the prayers I have prayed and all the body parts I have crossed, Will, your big sis is rootin’ for ya!!

            The very tragic way I came up with the theme for today, is  filling out my LAAAAAAAAAAAAME CAS reflection forms. How appropriate. It’s not that they are extremely difficult, it’s just that they are extremely time consuming. I was doing really good, and on a roll until I got to my CCA form. CCAing has changed my life more than I ever imagined it. When the form asks, “What was the outcome of the activity?” It was great, it changed my life, I love the kids, the kids love me, I feel like myself up there. I discovered God in a new light, and really challenged my faith and who I was. Now can I put that in my form? Sure. If I want them to not count my hours. So I just put a stupid, lifeless, false answer that will get me my stupid piece of paper that justifies “how hard I have worked.” I love that to tell myself that I have worked hard, I need a piece of paper, in which a tree was killed during the process of making it. Oh, Life. So, I end this rambling blog, pondering life, and all of the memories I have shared with the amazing people God has put into my life.